


Choices

by kathkin



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 06:30:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7924162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/pseuds/kathkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The Doctor told himself he hadn’t had a choice - but in the hearts of his he knew that wasn’t true. Of course there’d been a choice. There was always a choice. He’d chosen to kill his friends. And he’d do it again.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choices

**Author's Note:**

> For [human-nxture](http://human-nxture.tumblr.com) and [this prompt](http://penny-anna.tumblr.com/post/148554015973/torture-my-character-sentence-meme): _You’re the reason they’re dead!_

_You’re the reason they’re dead._

As much as he tried to convince himself that it wasn’t true, that it hadn’t been his fault, it _couldn’t_ have been his fault, the Doctor couldn’t silence that nasty whispering voice at the back of his skull; and as he stood on the hilltop, looking down upon the blackened remains of Anubis Base, a filthy smear on the snow, it turned into a shout. _You’re the reason they’re dead. You! You!_

It hadn’t been his fault. Truly, it hadn’t. The virus had to be stopped, before it spread beyond the confines of Anubis. He hadn’t had a choice. There’d only been one way. He’d done it. He’d do it again.

But in the hearts of his he knew that wasn’t true. Of course there’d been a choice. There was always a choice. He’d chosen to kill his friends. And he’d do it again.

Jamie, and – and Victoria. Trapped down there with the dead and the dying and those infected, made into mindless drones for the consciousness behind the Virus. 

When he’d left for the Sky Station he’d promised to come back. He’d looked Victoria in the eye and held her hand and promised her that everything would be alright.

There was an acrid stench in the air, the wind carrying the smoke from the ruins up the hill. It stung his eyes, and he closed them, wiping a shaking hand across his eyelids. Jamie – he hadn’t said goodbye to Jamie, not properly. He’d been chattering away with a young guard on the base, and the Doctor had left him to it, and, and gone away without a word. More than anything he regretted not looking at Jamie properly, not committing that last sight of him to memory, happy and safe and unafraid.

He knew it was selfish, but part of him hoped that they’d succumbed to the Virus. He shouldn’t wish that upon them, for it was a painful, hideous death, but at least then, at least if the Virus had taken them rather than the fire – at least then, then it wouldn’t have been him who’d killed them.

The Doctor breathed in a deep, trembling breath, trying to compose himself, knowing it was hopeless. He’d killed before, of course he had, but not like this – never like this. Never one he cared for so deeply. His eyes closed, he could almost see their faces swimming before him – could almost hear Victoria’s voice on the icy wind as it swirled around him, calling his name, like a faint cry – “Doctor!”

If only he hadn’t left them behind – he’d thought they’d be safer at Anubis. If only he’d never brought them here, to this hideous time and hideous place –

Again, he thought he heard Victoria. “Doctor!” It sounded so close – almost real.

“Doctor!” Jamie’s voice joined Victoria’s, shouting over the wind. “Dooc-tor!”

No – no, it couldn’t be. Scarcely able to breathe, the Doctor opened his eyes.

There they were – Jamie and Victoria, standing atop a nearby hill, bundled up against the cold. Cupping his hands his mouth, Jamie shouted, “Doctor, we’re over here!”

“Doctor!” cried Victoria.

“Up here, Doctor!” called Jamie, waving his arms.

He couldn’t move; he could hardly breathe. He stood frozen to the spot as surely as if the icy wind had frozen him solid. It simply wasn’t possible, that they could still be alive – if, if he believed it, might they be snatched away?

He found his voice. “Jamie?” It came out barely a whisper. He coughed, and tried again. “Jamie? Victoria?” he cried, and a clamour of voices came back.

“Doctor –”

“Thought you were never comin’!”

“The fire –”

“Stay there!” he called. “I’ll, I’ll come to you!”

It took an age, scrambling over the snowy crags, the scent of smoke thick in his nostrils, his hearts beating a double drum-beat in his chest. They dipped out of sight as he slithered down the rise and till he saw them again, till he could touch them, he couldn’t be sure –

He reached the summit and they were there, rushing to him like puppies, flushed from the cold air, grimy, shaken, but alive.

“Jamie – Victoria –” Alive and whole and untouched by the virus. He touched them to be sure, reaching for Jamie’s shoulder, Victoria’s hand, solid and reassuring.

“Oh, Doctor!” said Victoria, clasping his hands. “We were so worried about you.”  
“ _You_ were worried about _me_?” the Doctor stammered.

“You were gone so long and people were gettin’ sick –”

“And, and they started changing – oh, it was so horrible –”

“The whole place just went up, we barely made it out before, before…”

“They all died, Doctor,” said Victoria, voice hushed. “All those people.”

“Yes, I – I know.” Guilt curled on his tongue, and he had to tell them, he had to, but – not yet. “Oh, oh look at you,” he said, “the pair of you – oh, come here –” He wrapped his arms around them, drawing them into a messy embrace, relishing the feel of their heartbeats, their breath on his skin. “Come here.”

“Hey, what’s this all about?” Jamie said, but he hugged back, and Victoria pressed her face into the Doctor’s shoulder.

“I thought I’d lost you,” said the Doctor in a small voice.

“Ach, whisht,” said Jamie. “We’re fine.”

“No thanks to silly old me.” With a sigh, he released them. He looked out over the valley, at the still-smoking ruins. Fresh snow was beginning to fall.

“Doctor?” Victoria’s little hand slipped into his. “I think we ought to go home.”

“Aye, we’ll be well shot of this place,” said Jamie in that faux-cheerful tone the Doctor knew he only used when he was very tired or frightened. “Eh, Doctor?”

Still gazing out over the snow, the Doctor couldn’t find words to answer.

“It’s alright,” said Victoria. “Isn’t it?”

Tearing his eyes away from the valley, the Doctor said, “yes. I – I think it is.”


End file.
